I told my friend the other day that I haven't written anything on here for a bit because all I feel like doing is whining and I don't want my posts to just be me whining about how frustrating everything is. She said that she feels like in such a situation as this it doesn't really count as being whiny. I guess I agree, and I oddly I don't feel so whiny today and I have a hopefully unwhiny thought to share!
It occurred to me the other day that the times I really feel bad about Lucy being behind and about how differently she does things is when I compare her to other babies her age and I guess kids in general. I get the reason for developmental milestones and I appreciate them to a degree because they help you to know when to send up a red flag that something could be going on with your baby because they are maybe not meeting them. What I find hard, however, is the constant comparison (even from myself) of how she does things and how kids her age SHOULD be doing them. Well, Lucy does things in her own little way, and quite frankly there are still many things that she doesn't do at all and a whole bunch of other things that kids don't generally do. She hasn't reached a motor milestone since she learned to sit up...last January. And I don't even mean getting into sitting from laying, she needs assistance with that, but then can stay sitting up without falling down (most of the time). She has made progress, but has not actually reached one of those milestones which is worrisome. It is worrisome because the farther apart the gap gets between her chronological age and her developmental age, the more serious the situation gets. I guess maybe I wish I had the luxury of living in blissful ignorance where I have no idea about what babies "should" do and I could just 100% enjoy Lucy just how she is without constantly worrying about her being behind and the zillion things we need to do to catch her up.
So then I was talking with another friend whose son has quite a few special needs and she made the comment that the world has made him "mean" and that he is naturally sweet and kind, and loving. And see that's just what I am talking about. This mold, these milestones, the "norm", how society expects everybody to act the same and do the same things. And if you don't fit in, they will try to squeeze, push, and pinch you into what they think you should be until you come back swinging, just trying to defend all that is you. I want Lucy to be able to be just who and how she is without always worrying about how she isn't, and even doesn't already, fit in. At Kindermusik sometimes we dance in a circle and everybody is walking, but my Lu. Everybody claps and sings, but not Lu. But she does smile and laugh and move in her own very unique way. She swings her arms, rolls her head around, makes interesting hand gestures, and rocks a lot. Bout I know that the way she acts is different and people notice it, and I notice them noticing, but I love the way she is, because it is her and in my heart those stupid milestones can kiss my rump.
But unfortunately, every second, of every day, even if if I'm not actively thinking it, I am always wishing that she had annihilated those milestones and that she could just live a "normal" life without therapy, doctors appointments, feeding studies, hearing tests, urine sample bags, blood work, z vibes, nuk brushes, and all of the other crap that I have to subject her to on a regular basis. I wish she could just be a kid, doing kid stuff.