The aftermath

It is hard to describe how this past week has been. At night, after Lucy has gone to bed I have cried quite a bit. We started seeing a new and wonderful physical therapist at the Clearfield Hospital and she told me some good jthings to do to stretch out Lu's hip flexors so she will stand up straighter when she is willing to put any weight on her legs(she sticks her bum out a lot). We met a new speech therapist at the hospital also who is going to do a feeding evaluation on Lucy to make sure everything is ok enough there. We got a Z-vibe (a vibrating oral stimulation tool) and Danielle helped us get started with it to stimulate Lucy's mouth muscles for eating, talking, swallowing, etc. I got a video called Signing Time and a book called Teaching Your Tot to Sign. I am waiting to hear from the supports coordinator about where we can have an auditory test done that the doctor in Pittsburg ordered. I am on the ball and was about to pat myself on the back when I got a letter in the mail saying Lucy's medical assistance was discontinued! I had just submitted the paperwork online last weekend and I thought that it wasn't due until the last day of the month. So I looked more closely and it had actually been due on the 1st! So I called the assistance office nearly in tears and a nice lady looked it up for me and assured me that they had received my renewal application and that Lu was fine and eligible again. Holy crap! Since chad is still a temp we are not eligible for insurance at his work and MA is Lucy's only option and not even an option for Chad and I. So without the MA none of all of these things that Lucy needs would be possible and I don't read the paperwork right! For crying out loud!

But on Friday we went to our first Kindermusik class with my friend Missie and her little girl. And it was fun and that is the main point of it, just to have fun and be with other kids. It's hard to turn off my mind to the therapy that I feel compelled to do at every chance I get and I still snuck it in there a little during Kindermusik, but I don't think Lucy even knows because to her it is al justnplaying with Mom. As I was just writing this I realized that I need to unclench a little bit and maybe try to not try to squeeze therapy into every single second of Lucy's life. But it is so hard because she is so behind and maybe now we are finding out that she might not ever catch up like we had believed, but I still feel so responsible for helping her to reach her very fullest potential. But I have to just let her "be" sometimes and I have to let myself relax and just enjoy things as best I can. Well, I do enjoy things, but my mind is constantly thinking about all of these things that all of these different people are telling me to do with her and for her to help her and then I feel gulity any time I am not doing one of those things. I guess it is just a process of learning to create a balance and not feeling so panicky all of the time worrying that I am not doing enough. And I know that we do plenty and then some and that we are doing all we can and Chad tries to remind me of that often, I think it will just take time for me to understand that. The more I think about it and write it about it the crazier I feel.