Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mother's Day Surprise

I'll save everyone the suspense...Mother's Day made me mad...that was the surprise. On stupid Facebook I read all kinds of things about the day people's children were born and how they look back on it fondly and it made me realize something very sad about the day my sweet tooty bum was born...I feel deceived by that day. Like if that day were an actual, tangible thing, I would want to punch it in it's face. Labor was not going so well, even though my water had broken like a gigantic flood, they had to give me stuff to start contractions and first they were coming too close together, then they wouldn't get regular, and then Lucy pooped! So we had to do an ultrasound and discovered that she was breach, even though the doctors had been saying for weeks that the hard lump I patted all day up by my ribs was her bum and she was doing fine! So one emergency c-section later and I finally got to see my beautiful baby and find out that she was a girl!

Now don't get me wrong, I do still look back so very fondly on that day...the first time I got to look in her eyes, when we found out she was a girl and saw all of her dark hair, and the relief that labor was over and she was out! It was all wonderful and I am grateful everyday that we have her at all! But I feel like that day is like a sneaky, mean girl that likes to hurt people's feelings and make them upset and keeps secrets just to be able to floor everyone with it later...because Lucy had Rett Syndrome all along and nobody knew. It was sitting right there in the room with us as we tried to get her to nurse for days and days, but didn't give us one clue to it's existence and the fact that it was putting the kibosh on nursing. I guess Rett itself is really the big sneak, not so much the day of her birth, but I feel like such a fool every time I look back and think about how relieved I was that the birth was okay and that I believed it was all smooth sailing from there.

I did not expect to have such a hard time with Mother's Day, but I have been mad, and sad, and weeping for 3 days now. I HATE RETT SYNDROME! I hate it so much that I just want to crumble, or explode...but I won't. And this weekend is Lucy's birthday and obviously her first birthday since we received the diagnosis, so I guess I am thinking about that too. I'm just having a mad phase I guess. I'm so angry that everything has to be so damn difficult for her! For crying out loud she's just a baby! But she's not, because she already knows that life is tough and she has to work really hard for everything that she does...and that really pisses me off too. She shouldn't have to know anything like for a long, long time.

I am just having a little bit of a tough time and it came out of nowhere and caught me off-guard which seems to be adding to my anger, that I wasn't expecting it, so I apologize to my faithful readers for the negative vibe I have bombarded you with this time!

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