Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My selfish optimism

The past couple of nights Lucy has wanted me to rock her a little bit either at bed or later in the night, and then she has fallen asleep in my arms. I read her a story every night before bed and rock her, but it is not often anymore that she wants me to rock her to sleep, because she is a big girl and can put herself to sleep these days. But anyway, I have been getting a little emotional during these times and I'm not sure why, but what I have been thinking about while I'm tearing up is that we have gotten to enjoy Lucy as more of a "baby" than parents generally get to. I often think about the fact that I NEED to carry her most places because she can't walk, but then I was thinking the other night how lucky I am that I still GET to carry her, and hold her all the time, and just always be close with her. I am a close, huggy, touchy kind of person though, so for me trying to see this as a positive is just natural. But then I feel like it is selfish of me also because I shouldn't take any bit of joy in her not being able to do things that other babies her age are able to do, but maybe it is just a way I am coping. But I do love to get to snuggle her and squeeze her, and she's not ever trying to get away from me!

I used to carry her in a little front carrier and when she was just born I used to said that I liked it because it made me feel like I was still pregnant and Chad said that I would probably spend the next 20 years trying to get her back in there ( or something along those lines) and he is right, not literally of course, but I love to be with her all of the time and cringe at the thought that she will be grown up someday and will move away, but then at the very same time all I think about and hope for is that she is able to do that someday.

So I guess my main point is that while it hurts my heart to see other babies her age doing all these things that she can't do, but should be able to by this age, I try to look on the bright side and be glad that I have gotten this extra time to cuddle her.

No comments:

Post a Comment